Monday Fungos: Cubs are Heading North to their Summer House

This week, summer unofficially starts. As for many well-heeled Chicagoans, the Cubs head north to re-open their summer home. Fortunately, Miller Park has a retractable roof, so things will air out easily. But be respectful toward all townies, as they hate outsiders acting like they own the place.

Also keep an eye out for any stray critters, like that time Joe Maddon found a pair of beady eyes staring from under his manager’s desk. It ended up only being Craig Counsell, but you never know. Just as easily could have been Eric Thames waiting to spring on Willson Contreras.

So, once you get settled, head on over. We’ll crack a Leinenkugel’s and share some laughs over the following past week in Cubs news:

1. The Cubs are really trying to improve their record against winning teams. Problem is each time they take a series against one, that team falls below .500.
2. I bet the whole broken-nose, aging-mafioso look of Cubs Draft Boss Jason McLeod gets his draft class signed record fast. “I’ll make them an underslot deal they can’t refuse.”
3. Javier Baez has spent so much time jumping into first rows lately the Cubs ticket office has billed him for a personal seat license.
4. Jake Arrieta has sure embraced being a Philadelphia Phillie. Even when he rips his teammates in writing, he always spells select curse words with a “Ph.”
5. How magical when Jason Heyward capped his best stretch as a Cub with that walk-off grand slam. But did Theo Epstein really need to lead the owners’ box in a chant of “OPT OUT CLAUSE! OPT OUT CLAUSE!”?
6. On Thursday, the Durham Bulls mascot regretfully cancelled his first-ever Wrigley Field appearance. His worker’s comp insurance just doesn’t cover Tyler Chatwood starts.
7. The first 5,000 fans Friday received a free Cubs tank top. The other 35,000 wished half those shirts came with complimentary electrolysis.
8. On Saturday, Addison Russell returned to the lineup after injuring his middle finger in – where else – New York. No doubt a repetitive stress injury.
9. Pirates Manager Clint Hurdle is such a traditionalist that he:
   • Always wears the rose of his garter belt in front,
   • Heckles the Wrigley Field Dixieland jazz band between innings (“Ditch the banjo, then we can talk!”),
   • Thinks invisible drinking buddies should only be seen, never heard, and
   • Will dance fight anyone who says “Fever Pitch” ain’t the best damn baseball movie ever.
10. I’d love for third-base coach Brian Butterfield to change his uniform name to “Buttermaker.” It’s the least he could do to celebrate the 40^th anniversary of The Bad News Bears Go to Japan.